Small town casual chats.

On Saturday we had a few engagements, first off we planned on going to my dear friend Sharon’s. She’s the absolute best, she took the liberty to birth twins (for me) so I can have a baby or two whenever I please -so generous.
Anyways, later in the evening we went off to our last party of the evening (this is not a regular occurrence) at around 11:00pm. Needless to say by the time we arrive everyone was quite saucy, and me being the responsible beauty that I am I was sober as the twins I spoke of earlier. Ewww.
Conversation started between myself to two other gentleman, one in his mid-late thirties and the other being in his seventies. Take a minute to anticipate the conversation we might engage in… Let me inform you, you’re probably off the mark.
My dear husband gave me one of those face mashing cheesey kisses
(code for I know you’d rather be sitting in a bathtub full of eels, so thank you) when the seventy year old man asked me, “What’s with all the boys these days with this facial hair business?”
To which my response was, “It’s just the times, it’s what’s ‘in’ right now.”
70yrs old man: “But why?”
I kindly do my best to explain the dynamics of fashion and trends.
70 yrs old man: “But do you like facial hair? When I have my face all rough my wife doesn’t want me to touch her, she said it hurts.”
(Perfect now I’m picturing this 70 year old trying to have sex. How did this happened. Where is my fucking husband!)
To which I kindly replied: “Well yes, I can appreciate that, it can be irritating but it’s kind of sexy. For instance the ‘man bun’ is totally in right now!”
Both men: “Man bun?”
(What the fuck…are you both serious? Do people ever leave this god-forsaken town?)
Me: “Ummm, you know a ‘man bun’, a man who’s hair is long enough to put in a bun..”
Both men: Stare at me dumbfounded.
We all just awkwardly stand there for a moment. So at this point one can only assume we will talk about the weather, or the pending Christmas Days activities; no.
70 yr old man: “What about ball hair?”
(Thank fuck I wasn’t drinking anything at this point because I’m one of those people who like to shoot drinks out of my nose when I laugh)
Now I’m dumbfounded. No, no this is not happening. Where the hell is my husband!
Me: “Ball hair? Ball hair…ummm, well, ummm. That’s more of a personal preference I suppose.”
70 yr old man: “But what do you like?”
(Excuse me? Is this happening? I think the Advil and glass of wine I drank earlier is making me trip balls, literally.)
Me: “Ummm, I’m not opposed to hair, grooming is preferred and kind.”
Both men nod in agreement.
(Get me the fack outta here!)
Mid-thirties man: “What about chest hair?”
(Oh, we’re not done. Goodie!)
Me: “Well, I’m good with chest hair. There isn’t a girl I’ve met that thought back hair was sexy so if ya got it, get rid of it.”
(Okay, we must all me best friends by now right?)
Mid-thirties man: “So like Nairing my chest is cool?”
(How has this happened to me? Christmas is ruined.)
Me: “Well Nair removes all the hair…so no, I would just trim it?”
(What the flying fuck. People still use nair? How did that shit ever pass health standards?!?)
Mid-thirties: “Mmmm, okay.”
(Fewf, thank goodness. Please let’s talk about something else. Why am I not chugging this bourbon behind me?)
70 yr old man: “Thank you, I really appreciate it. I’ve asked my Daughters and they don’t really give me an answer.”
I can only laugh out loud, I can no longer keep my shit together. I can’t even imagine my sweet angel of a father asking me about shaving balls. Ewww, horrible mental picture!
Husband re-appears. Oh, thanks for joining the party talk of body hair. Needless to say I was equally entertained and mortified. Beautiful combination.

-Scarlet

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